Goapele

Goapele

(Pronounced gwah-puh-lay.) Means to "go forward." Been listening to her "Closer" track over and over again. So how appropriate. Focused on moving forward. A big step from Mary's "Come to Me" track. That only I believed in.

A constant reader for me is "A Road Less Traveled." I keep this book with me at all times. Interesting where peoples minds be, when they write. More interesting to me, where my mind is when I write. Ha!

So it is said that life is difficult. Or as Buddha stated in the "Four Noble Truths" - "Life is suffering." But as humans, once we have a full understanding of it, it's not as bad as it seems. Sadly, also as humans, instead of understanding something, we moan about or problems, burdens, or difficulties. As if life were a breeze. Benjamin Franklin said, "Those things that hurt, instruct." But if we are not open to acceptance that life is difficult then we cannot learn from life's harsh passings. Hence negative thinking. Always looking at things in a negative way.

Foe, for instance.
I was offered a job that paid well. Willing to take it because it places us closer together. Where I see it as us being able to see each other more so we can build a strong foundation together. He sees it as his "freedom" being interrupted, and I need to realize his "daily struggle." I tried to explain my position and where I stood. See the difference between us is that I have that understanding that "life is difficult." He does too. But I acknowledge that there will always be a struggle. It never stops. Rich or poor. It's there. So my position was to make the struggle not appear so bad so that other things can be focused on. I have few bills. Wouldn't that be more income on the event that we do come as one? Someone to cook your meals? Take care of the finances? Be submissive? So if your not doing as much as you would on the everyday struggle, wouldn't it be easier? For him to not want that, pretty much solidified alot in our dealings. With Foe, trust
that I have done everything that I can to be and show him that I am ready, willing, and able. But that's not enough. Problem is, I have nothing left to offer. Huhm.

And I quote. "If the map is true and accurate, we will generally know where we are, and if we have decided where we want to go, we will generally know how to get there." ... But we have to make our own maps. Which requires EFFORT!!! Trust me, not everybody is equipped with effort.

Sadly, in today's economy, planning for your future had become skeptical to some. We don't know what's in store for us anymore. Damn banks are foreclosing. The Market is crashing. The ozone. Weather along the South-east sea board sucks. So why wait on happiness. What the he'll are you planning? "I can't do this right now, I'm in a everyday struggle." huh?!? We will be struggling for the rest of our lives.

Mr. Kia said that I always look on the brighter side of things. Why the hell not? Am I suppose to sit here and dread each moment that has past?

I think the worst part is that society teaches us to be negative. The news, how much positive information or happenings do we get from it? Scam artist dominate the web. Violent movies. Music artist. I don't allow my daughter to watch music videos due to the discrimination of women. But I don't shelter her from listening to it. I teach her to censor herself. Make conscience decisions. Tune out negativity in her own way so she can cope with the ways of society later. And she's happy. She looks for great moments. And her continuous laughter shows me that she tunes out the bad quite well.

Today is already here. Deal with it.

S.

"The mutha-fuckin side effects"

"The mutha-fuckin side effects"

Pretty much like the law of gravity. What goes up must come down. Yin-yang. In-out. Karma. You catch my drift.

You treat someone nice only to get shitted on. You teach your children to do right and they still do wrong.

Pretty much everything has a "side effect." When someone wins another loses. We, as people, have our ups and downs. Our personal flaws. Imperfections. "Side effects." I, myself, have several. A few are, when I care, I care HARD. When I love, I love HARD. People nowadays don't value that anymore. Or they value it but at the same time it scares them. For me, it's more less a curse rather than a gift. (Outside of family), I Never received love equal to or close to the amount that I put out. Trust that if it was a journey that can be walked to get to it, I'd be on that path. Only problem is, I'd still be walking.

You know, I never touch base with religion in my writings, purposely. A touchy subject to me. One that makes my opinions go bananas. But they say HE doesn't give you more than you can handle. (here I go) So I wonder, would I not be able to handle love or it's relatives in that much of abundance? Will it destroy me. It that why I haven't received the feeling yet? Who's gonna give me my kidney if I should ever need one? Yellow roses? I have yet to say that I don't buy my own.

Since when did compassion have standards and levels of intensity? Variable measures? Society nowadays, only gives to get. Coupons for instance, in order to save, you have to spend. Make sense? Frequent flyer miles, supermarket bonus cards. Hell! BOGO!

As involuntary as compassion may sound, depending on the size of your subconcience heart. It has turned into one of the most misused human emotions. Compassion is used like a weird ingredient, like peanut butter, combined with something sweet and it's supposed to be great. But who the hell can stand PB&J on a daily basis.

According to society, if a man is compassionate, he's gay. Or a guest on Oprah. If a women is compassionate, she's too sensitive or emotional. But if we make a mistake ... we're human? We can't accept compassion, but we open the room to a fuck-up.

I understand our imperfections, but shouldn't we turn excuses into positive actions that better our way of life?

One to think about.

S.

Friend or "Foe"

Friend or "Foe"

At this point, I will probably pick neither.

Mentally I haven't been my best these last few days. Well let me rephrase that. Emotionally I haven't been top notch. I write better than I read. I read better than I speak. I speak better than I think. But I feel,... I feel everything all at once.
With Foe, I'm realizing that having consistency is too much to ask for in a human being. No! Scratch that. It's too much to ask him for. I know plenty of consistent folks. Well Foe is consistent in is own way. Consistent when it comes down to what he wants to do. Can't blame him. But why have someone enter your life to only be bothered with them at your convenience? Contrary to what we believe people are not suppose to be treated that way. Last time I checked I was no toy. But trust that with Foe, I'm no stranger to shelf life.
So when he feels like being bothered with his toy, he does.
I come to my blog today in despair. To be able to release all of the hurt in my hallow chest from loving someone but not feeling love in return. I put myself out there. I allowed myself to open up so much to him. I've given him my heart. What's left of me is a black whole sucking up every painful emotion that was intended for us humans to have.
I told you that I think a lot. But what am I suppose to think when the person that you are in love with doesn't even call to say "HI." Foe emailed me today in reply of course, stating that talking to me doesn't make, or break him.

At that point, after reading that line, I'm leaving the door open for love to walk back out just as silently as it walked in. It walked in with grace. Class. Statement. When I seen it, I knew this was it. What I have been waiting for all my life. In my despair, I still feel that way. Just don't receive it that way.

Funny, even still at this point I love him the same. For love to be so much of a human emotion, why is it so involuntary? They say you can't help the fact that you fall in love with people. Obviously, you can't fall out of it voluntary either.

10 words made me realize today that I just need to let it go: "Mommy, what's wrong? You don't feel good? Are you sick?" My normal "Happy-go-mommy" attitude was clearly absent. As she reminded me that I missed the walk-a-thon, that I was so into, today at her school.

In other News...

"Cashmir" is coming 2 town this weekend. Im praying that when he gets here, I would have moved past my hurt. We are going to do our usual. Go eat and hang out. He always makes me feel better. He makes my girl Amy walk into walls in his presence too. LOL. I gave him that nickname a few years back. It rhymes with his real name. And suits him well. A nickname that derived from the quality of actual cashmere. Real cashmere is fine in texture, and it's light, strong, and soft. Very warm to wear and a cut above regular wool. So hey, if the shoe fits (sweater in his case) wear it. Trust that he wears it well. He'll pop the "How's the man in your life treating you?" question. Then I'll get the "You're a strong and beautiful women." lecture. After I give him the "Please don't ask." look. We'll both get past it with sports in tow. I hope he brings his camera....

----

One of my favorite songs by Stevie Wonder is "All in Love is Fair." (click here for the lyrics) About a writer that used his pen in despair to try and claim the love that he once had. Blah blah blah. I guess, just like Stevie, I didn't see the shit coming.

Go figure.

S.

Starting Line-up

Starting Line-up

“Most football teams are temperamental, that’s 90% temper and 10% mental.”
~Doug Plank

*WARNING*


This regular scheduled "Starting Line-up" has been interrupted by a pissed off Pats fan.
WTF?!?!




As if my baby Brady being down and out for the season isn't enough.


You would think that they would lay off the insults by now. By the time you read this I would probably be out on a manhunt for Ricigliano. Sports cartoonist for The Buffalo News that has just possibly drawn his last illustration if I can help it. LOL.

Whose business is it of the Bills to even take part on any commentary of that matter? What, are they still sour from when Wilfork, forked the hell out of Lost-man?

Oh... It's Losman ?!

Still the same.


D.D.T. is more like it I think...... LOL


The Bills are really starting to smell themselves a little bit. And to think that I gave them credit for effort. The low blow on Brady from a city that is suppose to have so much spirit.
Let the Bills win a few games, sure. Give the city a little hope. Then they will miss the playoffs, miss the Bowl. And the city then turns into an all hockey TOWN, later for the Bills and on with the Sabres. How's that for support? Seasonal fan club. Sour-faced Sundays. "Let's Go Buffalo!" Let’s talk football the way you do. Win a few games and now your experts on insults? Let us insult. Shall we?

Okay "Nickel City". How bout that. Because that's about how much a Bills seat goes for these days compared to average NFL's teams box office prices. Hell, EBT will do too being that Buffalo is one of the poorest cities around. Maybe they'll prosper in T-Dot. Get the over-stuffed jersey wear-ers off the couches and have them make that 2 hour hike up north. Show that good ole semi-annual spirit and boost those passport sales.



(waiting for the Bills to go to the Super Bowl)



2 and 0!?! Yeah that’s something to rave about. The Bills haven’t seen that kind of a start for the past 4 or so plus years. Trust that I am no Walter Camp, but an idiot of the sport due to the fact that I am a female, I am not.

Buffalo has always been a nosey city, so seeing them put their nose in commentary where it didn’t belong was far from surprising to me…. So “Wilson Flunkies,” the next time you want to comment on another player’s lack of ability to perform, look at your stats first. I’d highly advise you to put your points where your mouth is, because your losing streak shows that you obviously can’t keep the points on the field……..


This one’s for you Brady.

Urban Writing entry: 9:02:08

Politics: The Black Father vs. The Absentee Ballot

The Black Father: Well for argument sake, we'll discuss my daughters Black Father.

The Absentee Ballot: a vote cast by someone who is unable or unwilling to attend the polling station.

And so I speak.
To the best of my knowledge, when I had my daughter and filed out the information for her birth certificate, I don't recall there being a slot for the absentee Dad. Please check here.

The Black Father has been an absentee throughout my entire life. I know him, we speak, but a relationship more than friends is out out of the question. At 30 I don't know where "running to Daddy" fits in my day to day. And being raised by my brother is a experience that I would never trade in. Losing him 4 years ago, felt like losing a brother and a Dad at the same time. So I sympathize for my baby. Having an absentee Dad herself. And trust that I am far from what any man would catagorize a Baby Mama. I don't nag him. I don't ask for anything. For the past 7 years there has never been a diaper request, a pick-up request, nothing. In fact our conversations consist of me saying: "Hello... Yeah...what time?...okay" 'click'... Only to realize that is was a waste of my 45 seconds because he never shows up. So within his absence, I cover for him, feeling sorry for my Baby, I picked this man. So her having him as a Dad is partially my fault. So I make up for
what I think she lacks in him. Being raised by a man 3 years my elder, pretty much kept me in tune with the male psychie. I can explain sports to her. (I pray she hates baseball-I do) I do the early morning fishing trips. I gets my cargo shorts, tight tee skateboard game on. We go bike-riding. She collect ants alone, but I watch. LOL.

But in reality, no matter how much I try, I cannot fill that void. To her she does all these things with Mommy true, but when he calls, her eyes light up, she gets shy, I look on with envy. Knowing that he will never love her like I do. Knowing that when he says "Daddy is gonna get you today" it's a lie. And she waits by the door. With an outfit that took her an hour to pick out, (she throws on any damn thing for me) she wants to look her best.

Funny how even in relations we are alike. Her interest in her Dad is similar with my interest with Mr. Foe. No matter how much we try, our love for the man in our life goes un-noticed. Her Dad can give a rats ass how much she cares for him, and as far as me and Mr. Foe, as hard as I try, my efforts continue to show no progress. Hence in his efforts or better yet lack of.

So maybe I've passed on the curse of convenience to her. She craves for a Dad and I desire a complete family. No closer to it than where we began.....

(e)

Urban Writings: 8:25:08

Status #43


Okay so the olympics are over.
My crush on David Oliver still stands. Have you seen this man? What the hell was GOD thinking?
He obviously made Lust and David in the same pot. Yep, the crush is still there.

In time, in football, it will wear off.

Plenty of Moss's out there.

Did I mention Football is here!?!?!
( stay tuned for a later blog ... Titled "Starting Line Up")

Tis the season, of holiday cheer, jockstraps and helmets, FOOTBALL is here!!! Been conversing with my "tight end with the tight end" he's pretty focused this season. Too bad he plays for a shitty team with surprisingly only enough potential to match the 1990 starting line up. Hell, strawberries have potential but you can't put them shits on steak and expect a good meal. Oh well, already I can say to them, "better luck next year" Now on with the Pats. I don't think that they will have a season like last year, we might lose a game, A GAME. Moss still makes my heart skip a beat in the locker room interview. Hell, as much as I love the Pats, B-chic does too. LOL. My mission to run across the field in Boston still stands. Won't be naked though. Umma save the naked run for the locker room. Seen a video on the Tube showing some guy running naked during a game. Bare ass. And the players sacked the hell out of him. Hmmmm I wonder if they will do a female like
that? I'll let you know. Just gotta find somebody stupid enough to film it. Well all of YouTube. I get to take my pick.

School and football go neck and neck this year. I loooove the PTA. The PYT and the PTA!!! Love being an involved Mom. Pushing for more after school activities and parent envolvement this year. And I swear if another parent say "Hi, I'm Alexus and this is my son Booquan" I will scream!!!! There should be a age limit and a name limit. Hell it should be against the law to have a Q and a U in a first name if it's not followed by a E. And the E ends it. Come on. I have a partial nephew named Jadacus. (Jadakiss) Lmao. I love him, but his Mama, Idiot!!!!!

Progress.
My move has become somewhat stationary. Details to follow. Mr. Foe has also become stationary. LOL. But me, I keep writing ... On stationary. LMAO!!!

Cheap joke. Naw, but the move is soon to come. After my split with Mr. Eye Candy (at least that's what he claims the chicks in the A are calling him) whom I call Mr. KIA ( know it all ), going down there wouldn't be the brightest thing to do. And as far as Mr. Foe, nothing really spectacular to report for this status blog. No change. Foe will be Foe. We got a lil Vaca comin up. Hmmmm.

Till the next Status Blog....

(e)

Urban writings entry: 8:20:08

Politics: Freedom vs: Love


FREEDOM: (Political) – is the absence of interference with the sovereignty of an individual by the use of coercion or aggression.

LOVE: - In short, a range of emotions and experience related to the senses of affection and sexual attraction.

And so I speak.
In term, freedom basically is the idea of being free. It stems from an old Indo-European root word, freedom, that they also used to describe as “to love.”
So as I sit here typing to you, basking in all of my freedom, I question my question on Love and Freedom and it’s relations, or Love and Freedom and my relations.
Those of you that are familiar with my writings, know that in the recent months, I have been talking in regards to a Mr. Foe. That’s Mr. Won D. Foe to you. A young man with whom I am, well, I really don’t know what you would call what we do. Any how, Mr. Foe has brought to my attention on several occasions, his freedom.
Now those of you that know me on a more personal level, know how I am, especially when it comes to and involvement of man, and MY freedom.

And so you listen.
It’s pretty rough talking to Mr. Foe about things so that’s why I have you guys…
For the most part I have been a free bird for the entire run thus far. Being a single mom hasn’t taken away from any of my freedom. What has happened is that now, I know how to prioritize my freedom. Or what us moms call it, “mommy time.” So right now it’s “mommy time” and I am talking to you. Life as I seek it, has a husband, that I am submissive to, children that I love and care for, and me that I adore. My Love, well it’s Mr. Foe. I have done the best that I can to allow myself, my life and my love, along with my freedom, to blossom into a perspective that is good enough for him to become his mate and prosper and continue together.
But that’s not enough.
Mr. Foe on the other hand, enjoys his freedom to the point where it replaces love. Fear that being with me makes him an un-free bird. Is my love that sheltering? Why should I give all of my love away to someone that would only use it at a convenience.
Love vs. Freedom, we are free to love. But we receive love at a cost? A cost that I pay for now. A cost that has me involved with someone that I care for, adore, wish to cherish eternally, marry, with no set predictions. No limits. But freedom is in the way.
Trust that fully understand freedom and all of its meanings. But having no limits to love, I myself am not free of love, therefore, trapped within my own freedom. How long can one go on loving freely, but receiving at a cost?
My relationship with Mr. Foe, seems far from real and closer to imaginary. I love him, he says he loves me, I want to be with him, he says he wants to be with me but he just likes his freedom right now he says and not ready to make that move. Not putting his business out there, Mr. Foe has had a little relationship miss-hap more than 5 years back, that he says to still be recovering from. 5 years, I wonder sometimes, is that how long it is going to take for him to come around? 5 years? How can the best thing that has happened to me in the last year be the most confusing? How can the one thing in life, freedom, that I should cherish being a Black Female, be the one thing that keeps me from whom I want to cherish?
I have given myself several time limits. Limits on love, limits on freedom, all of which, for my freedom, I have broken. Realizing now that I can not wait on freedom to love me, hold me, tell me it misses me, wants to see me.
Waiting for that to happen, I might as well lock myself up and throw away the key and say:

“To hell with freedom!!”