Friend or "Foe"

Friend or "Foe"

At this point, I will probably pick neither.

Mentally I haven't been my best these last few days. Well let me rephrase that. Emotionally I haven't been top notch. I write better than I read. I read better than I speak. I speak better than I think. But I feel,... I feel everything all at once.
With Foe, I'm realizing that having consistency is too much to ask for in a human being. No! Scratch that. It's too much to ask him for. I know plenty of consistent folks. Well Foe is consistent in is own way. Consistent when it comes down to what he wants to do. Can't blame him. But why have someone enter your life to only be bothered with them at your convenience? Contrary to what we believe people are not suppose to be treated that way. Last time I checked I was no toy. But trust that with Foe, I'm no stranger to shelf life.
So when he feels like being bothered with his toy, he does.
I come to my blog today in despair. To be able to release all of the hurt in my hallow chest from loving someone but not feeling love in return. I put myself out there. I allowed myself to open up so much to him. I've given him my heart. What's left of me is a black whole sucking up every painful emotion that was intended for us humans to have.
I told you that I think a lot. But what am I suppose to think when the person that you are in love with doesn't even call to say "HI." Foe emailed me today in reply of course, stating that talking to me doesn't make, or break him.

At that point, after reading that line, I'm leaving the door open for love to walk back out just as silently as it walked in. It walked in with grace. Class. Statement. When I seen it, I knew this was it. What I have been waiting for all my life. In my despair, I still feel that way. Just don't receive it that way.

Funny, even still at this point I love him the same. For love to be so much of a human emotion, why is it so involuntary? They say you can't help the fact that you fall in love with people. Obviously, you can't fall out of it voluntary either.

10 words made me realize today that I just need to let it go: "Mommy, what's wrong? You don't feel good? Are you sick?" My normal "Happy-go-mommy" attitude was clearly absent. As she reminded me that I missed the walk-a-thon, that I was so into, today at her school.

In other News...

"Cashmir" is coming 2 town this weekend. Im praying that when he gets here, I would have moved past my hurt. We are going to do our usual. Go eat and hang out. He always makes me feel better. He makes my girl Amy walk into walls in his presence too. LOL. I gave him that nickname a few years back. It rhymes with his real name. And suits him well. A nickname that derived from the quality of actual cashmere. Real cashmere is fine in texture, and it's light, strong, and soft. Very warm to wear and a cut above regular wool. So hey, if the shoe fits (sweater in his case) wear it. Trust that he wears it well. He'll pop the "How's the man in your life treating you?" question. Then I'll get the "You're a strong and beautiful women." lecture. After I give him the "Please don't ask." look. We'll both get past it with sports in tow. I hope he brings his camera....

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One of my favorite songs by Stevie Wonder is "All in Love is Fair." (click here for the lyrics) About a writer that used his pen in despair to try and claim the love that he once had. Blah blah blah. I guess, just like Stevie, I didn't see the shit coming.

Go figure.

S.